Wiz: This episode of Death Battle is brought to you by Audible! Wiz: They’re the guardians of the night, the superhuman saviors of the lone and helpless. Boomstick: Bruce Wayne, the Batman, Wiz: and Peter Parker, the Spider-Man. Boomstick: It’s no secret that given time for prep, both Batman and Spider-Man can defeat pretty much any opponent. Wiz: Which is why we’re pitting them against each other with only their standard equipment, gladiator style. Boomstick: He’s Wiz and I’m Boomstick! Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle! Wiz: The Dark Knight is a master of the shadows. Using intimidation as a weapon, he patrols the streets of Gotham City. Boomstick: You know you’re doing something right when people are terrified of just your shadow! Wiz: After his parents were murdered by a common thug, Bruce Wayne dedicated his life to fighting the criminal underworld. Wiz: He achieved twelve master degrees, studied a hundred twenty seven martial arts, and perfected escape artistry. Wiz: Given enough time he can escape any conceivable trap. Boomstick: Batman has pushed himself to the limits of the human body, he can bench press one thousand pounds, and has great aim and reflexes. Wiz: The Batsuit was designed to be the ultimate, flexible combat armor. Boomstick: While the pointy ears are a bit much for me, the armor can stop knives and gunfire. Wiz: His memory cloth cape can be used as a glider, and the entire suit is lined with a two hundred thousand volt electro network. Boomstick: I guess when you’re a billionaire, you can afford to turn yourself into a freakin’ human taser!. Wiz: The gadgets from Wayne’s never-ending funds don’t stop there. Wiz: His utility belt carries dozens of different tools that can get him out of practically any situation. Boomstick: That belt has pretty much everything! Grappling hook, explosives, beer! Maybe not that last one, but mine would. Wiz: Notable gadgets include a gas mask, tear gas, smoke pellets, a kryptonite ring, remote detonated plastic explosives, and his trademarked grapple gun. Wiz: He also carries a large supply of collapsible shurikens. Boomstick: The Batarangs, and if throwing a razor sharp object at people isn’t enough, he’s got several types! Boomstick: Like electric shock, knockout dart, and grenade! Wiz: Despite having the build of an olympic athlete, The Caped Crusader’s greatest feats are attributed to his detective skills. Wiz: He can anticipate attacks through muscle movement and memorize the smallest details, even the shape of a cheek he’s punched. Wiz: And while Batman is only human, his achievements stand among gods. Boomstick: He’s a founding member of the team of superheroes known as the Justice League! Boomstick: And he’s even fought Superman! Wiz: But what Wayne has no exploitable weaknesses, he is not perfect. His mental stability has often been called into question. Boomstick: Well, lets see: His parents were killed in front of him as a child, he uses his money to beat the sh*t out of people dressed as a giant bat, and keeps employing twelve year-old sidekicks! Boomstick: Yeah, he’s clearly not all there! Wiz: But he is a survivor. He endured being broken in half, fighting the other members of the Justice League, complete disintegration, and being stranded in the past as a living time bomb of galactic destruction. Boomstick: Wait, what?! Wiz: Yet he somehow pulled through every time. Boomstick: Why? Cause he’s the goddamn Batman! Thug: Where are you?! Batman: Here. Wiz: The friendly neighborhood Spider-Man protects the streets of New York City. Boomstick: Once Peter Parker was a wimpy nerd with no friends! Boomstick: Then he got bit by a radioactive spider that gave him weird bug powers, and now he’s a radioactive superhero with no friends! Boomstick: Though after some practice and ”superheroing”, he finally got himself laid! A lot, actually. Wiz: A clever photographer and science major, Spider-Man is not only incredibly powerful, but also a genius in strategy and science. Wiz: Using these skills, he created two wrist mounted web shooters which let him swing around the city. Boomstick: You know, if he was SO smart, wouldn’t he make the web shoot out of his butt like a real spider? Wiz: No! No, first it’s not the butt, it comes out of the – Boomstick: ”Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Craps some webs like a spider can!” Wiz: Each web shooter cartridge can hold a large amount of pressurized web fluid – Boomstick: And so can his girlfriends! Haha! I’ll be here all week. Wiz: …and features a rotating carousel to replace the empty ones. Boomstick: His spider powers give him superhuman strength, speed, agility and durability. He can run up to two hundred miles per hour, lift over ten tons, and take a freakin’ grenade to the face! Wiz: He can even knock out a dinosaur out cold with a single punch. Boomstick: Ha, suck it, Denver! Wiz: Also, by altering his body’s electron attractions, Spider-Man can crawl along any surface. But his most advantageous power is the Spider-Sense. Boomstick: It acts kinda like a warning signal, like caller ID when your ex-wife’s calling for alimony. Wiz: Actually, the Spider-Sense is much more than a simple alarm. It gives Peter omnipresent detection of his surroundings. This is how he swings through New York without looking where he shoots his webs. And unlike his human senses, it is not affected by gases and toxins unless specifically tailored to the Spider-Sense itself. However, it’s up to Spider-Man to recognize and react to his warning, so it can be tricked if he doesn’t think he’s in danger. Boomstick: Still, paired with his speed, Spider-Man is almost untouchable. He can even dodge automatic fire! Wiz: His unique martial art, The Way of the Spider, utilizes the Spider-Sense to its fullest. Spider-Man can go toe-to-toe with the most advanced masters of combat, even while blindfolded. Boomstick: No wonder other superheroes don’t like this guy. I mean, the freaking Spider-Sense does everything for him! Wiz: Speaking of which, somehow, Spider-Man once tried to join the Justice League, but was rejected by Batman. Boomstick: Ouch. I bet he wishes he could fight old Bats in a battle to the death – oh-ho, wait! Wiz: For all of his amazing powers, Spider-Man is not invincible. His bright and colorful costume makes stealth difficult, his durability has limits, and the oddly specific ethyl chloride pesticide is his Kryptonite. Also, any enemy with speed comparable to his can outmatch his Spider-Sense. Boomstick: Still, if those are his only limitations, how come sometimes he gets shot by a stray bullet? Wiz: Lazy, lazy writing. Mary Jane: Wait! Who are you? Spider-Man: You know who I am. Mary Jane: I do? Spider-Man: Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set! Let’s end this debate once and for all! Boomstick: It’s time for a – Wiz: …Commercial break! Boomstick: Commercial break! Wiz: audible.com is the leading provider of downloadable digital audio books ranging from every genre. Boomstick: With over a hundred thousand titles that you can download to your MP3 player, you can listen to any book, anytime, anywhere. It’s like having your own robot slave read you things! Wiz: Go to audiblepodcast.com/deathbattle to sign up to get a free audio book of your choice. Boomstick: But right now it’s time for a Death Battle! Spider-Man: You’ve got a black belt in stupid if you think you’re gonna beat me. Spider-Man: It’s just not your day, pal. Spider-Man: Pardon moi! Spider-Man: Whoopsy! Spider-Man: Havin’ fun yet?! Spider-Man: It’s all or nothin’! Spider-Man: Loser! Spider-Man: Sorry ’bout that. Web swing! Boomstick: Damn! That was brutal! Show it again! Wiz: Despite Batman possessing more skill and knowledge, Spider-Man’s abilities ultimately overpowered his arsenal. Boomstick: To be fair, Bats might’ve been able to deal with Spidey’s strength and speed, but that damn Spider-Sense changes everything! Wiz: Right. The Spider-Sense counters surprise and stealth, Batman’s most valuable weapons. Boomstick: But how could Batman lose to a wimpy spider nerd when he defeated the entire Justice League on his own? Wiz: Many of Batman’s greatest achievements have required weeks or months of preparation and planning, which can hardly be compared to the one-on-one confrontation of a Death Battle. Keep in mind, if we had given Batman prep time, the same would be done for Spider-Man. Boomstick: And all of Wayne’s money and the commissioner’s men couldn’t put Batman together again! Wiz: The winner is Spider-Man! Boomstick: Thanks for watching Death Battle, but I’d love you even more if you watch some more, so go watch this episode of Death Battle, there, I mentioned that, cause it’s right in front of you so click the goddamn link and I rambled on but hey! Click sh*t!